…with a simple prayer. We’re referring to our adoption story, of course. It is not “THE Story,” but it is a story.
June of 1999 – Tonight is our date night and we arrive for dinner at the not-quite-famous Novotel, one of only two hotels in town that serves “Western” food. A Summer Project missions trip in East Asia can be a damper in the romance department. We’re looking forward to getting away, for a night, from the responsibility of leading our team. At this time (and in this place), nothing spells “romance” like a dinner of faux spaghetti and meatballs at the Novotel! We notice a large group of foreigners dining together. Americans, probably. Clearly, these people are not long-term residents. Those ridiculous fanny packs are a dead give away. We also notice that these foreigners all have small Asian babies with them.
“Hey, I think they’re all here to adopt those kids,” I lean over and whisper to Carita, mastering the obvious.
“Yeah, isn’t that cool? Do you ever see us adopting? I’d love to adopt someday. Look at them…they look so happy!” Carita gushes.
“Well, I’m not sure. I haven’t thought much about adopting…maybe after we have our own kids? We can pray about it, I guess.”
That night, back in our rooms, we pray a simple prayer. Carita wants us to pray that God would, according to His will, allow us to adopt. That is way too specific (and, frankly, determined) for my taste. Preferring something more ambiguous, I simply pray that God would show us His heart, to do what was necessary to help us know Him better (and if it maybe, possibly involved adoption in some way, I’d consider it). Only one year into marriage, we have no idea what He has in store. Be careful what you pray for, though…
February of 2002 – It’s a cold, rainy day in Hong Kong. We make our way from the Causeway Bay MTR stop to the high-rise jungle above, searching for what seems to be an especially hard-to-find address of one Dr. Tsai. We’ve been having problems conceiving since the Fall of 2001. In fact, Carita is not ovulating and, after a few months, seeing a specialist seems like the quickest way to solve our problem. We have a plan, after all. According to our schedule, we were to start a family last Fall, wait a couple years, and have kiddo #2…and so on. Living overseas in East Asia makes finding doctors challenging, but Dr. Tsai turns out to be a pretty funny guy, telling us stories about his years living and practicing medicine in Chicago. Overall, it’s a very positive consultation and we’re feeling hopeful that the medication he prescribed will get things “back on track.”
“Falling behind a little bit in our master plan is okay, but Lord, would you please allow this visit to the doctor to fix whatever is wrong?”
May of 2007 – One of the reasons for coming back to America in 2003 was to start a family. The doctor’s office calls and informs us that, after a surgery and subsequent procedure, our first fertility treatment failed. We waited eleven days…eleven very anxious days…to hear that our now-five-year-plus struggle for children would continue. We wonder when it’ll finally be our turn? Most of our peers are years into parenting by this age. Watching as couple after couple experiences what we long to experience ourselves…can we keep the seeds of bitterness from taking root?
“Lord, what are you intending here? Are you even there? Do you hear us at all, see the pain we’re in??? We know that there’s a choice here: to trust you or to curse you. We believe in your goodness; help our unbelief.”
June of 2009 – We are finally finished with our adoption “dossier” for China. With all the paperwork prepared, we’re about to drop this all-important dossier in the mail. Our minds drift back to the Summer of ’99 and that fateful date night at the Novotel and later, when we prayed for the first time as a couple regarding adoption. The excitement is palpable and we’re both sensing the significance to the moment. By sending this out, we’ll officially be in the “process of adopting” a child from China! Thoughts of parenthood run rampant in our heads. We’re expecting about a 2-year wait…but after seven years of infertility, two years seems hardly worth noting. Besides, we have one last fertility treatment…maybe this time, the result will be positive!
“Oh, Lord, after all this time, will you finally answer our prayers for a family? Long have you known our heart’s desire. Would it be so that this chapter of our lives draws to an end.”
July of 2009 – Spending a month in California sounds awesome, in theory. But not under these circumstances. We just spent the last few weeks in Orange County, undergoing our very last fertility treatment with yet another doctor. The last in several attempts over the last two years. After this, no matter how it turns out, we’re through. Finished. All done. That is something that we both agree on. There is only so much money, time, and energy that we have to give. That doesn’t even take into account subjecting ourselves to disappointments and Carita to the pain of nightly shots and other medical hardships. The doctor calls us this afternoon. Carita’s blood work is back and, no, we are not pregnant. Bitter disappointment, again, for what feels like the thousandth time. This was to be the last stop on the last train of our infertility journey. This was supposed to be when God would, finally, answer the prayers of so many. It would’ve been a very dramatic story.
“After seven years of trusting you, submitting to your timing and your will, we feel like you’ve left us with nothing to show for it. Don’t you think you owe us more than this?!? The fact that we are now also waiting to adopt from China provides a small comfort, but it’s hard NOT to wonder how else you might frustrate those plans, too, given how you’ve stymied everything so far…”
February 19, 2011 – Recent updates from China put our “turn” in the Endless Wait that is China Adoption at still two years away. Even so, Carita wants me to attend yet another Adoption Conference with her. She thinks there might be more we can learn. My attitude, on the other hand, falls along the lines of, “I’d rather not learn anything else…it’s been two years already…until it stops feeling like a pipe dream and actually starts to feel real.” Unsurprisingly, Carita wins that contest of wills and we attend the Conference. What was surprising, though, was that we sit in on two optional breakout sessions about Domestic Adoption and Fostering To Adopt.
Something was changing within our desires to adopt, to have a family. It’s been gradual, taking place over the last few years. Having children is still our dream and adoption was a way to attain it. But, we find that our desire for kids now shares center stage with a desire to see God bring redemption into this world through adoption. The Gospel is an adoption story, after all. Early on, our desire for kids was our near-singular focus. That it happened to be considered a “good cause” was a convenient thing. Somewhere in the last few years, it’s become much bigger than just what we want.
“We’ll check out those sessions about Domestic Adoption…but surely you’re not calling us to do that. I mean, we’re locked into an International Adoption from China. You started this in 1999. Yeah, it’s taking much longer than expected, but that’s your department, isnt’ it? Surely it’s what you have planned for us all along…right?”
We had no idea that on the following Tuesday, February 22nd, we would receive a call that would change everything…